Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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