mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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