i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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