Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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