john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
