Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
