Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
