Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
