so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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