I got chris browned last night
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
