Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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