Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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