Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
