bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
