i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
