Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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