guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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