i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
