Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
