Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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