I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
