I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
