3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
