Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
