Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
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I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
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I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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