So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
