if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Can you bring me the toilet please
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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