It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
