I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
