I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
