Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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