Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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