honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
how does that bad decision feel?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
