Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
