I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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