hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
