I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
