Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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