we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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