I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
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Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
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Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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