i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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