remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
