hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
she looked like the before picture.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
