my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
