The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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