I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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