if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
