Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
