i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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