so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
