It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
