you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
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I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
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Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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