if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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