I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
