When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
