Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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