Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
